As we navigate this thing called “adulthood,” road bumps are eminent. When I say “road bumps,” I’m referring to any situation or event that requires a certain level of maturity, self-control, abstinence from alcohol and all-around “social awareness.” Events in question include weddings, baby or bridal showers, office holiday parties, networking events, any situation involving your significant other’s family and, undoubtedly, the 4th of July celebrations. Said events could pose a threat to your relationships (employment, romantic, platonic and professional), reputation and dignity — should you actually be yourself.
For those of you that plan on reverting to your Fireball swigging, jort-wearing, generally offensive college self this 4th of July, we salute you. For the rest of you forced to attend a family reunion or your boyfriend’s grandparent’s 50th wedding anniversary brunch, we’ve got your back. We understand how difficult it is to not don a Canadian tuxedo and scream “”Merica!” in between swigs of Busch Light.
Do’s and don’ts of a post-grad Fourth
To save you from yourself and your drunk alter ego, we’ve compiled a brief list of what not to do. Please consult this list when faced with particularly puzzling questions, such as, “Should I gargoyle that keg?” or “Is now the time for an inappropriate hot dog joke?”
- Under any circumstance, do not drink straight out of the wine and/or liquor bottle. Opt instead for a glass or cup.
- If the opportunity to dance arises, abstain from moves that would prompt small children to cover their eyes.
- During fireworks, resist the urge to light one off yourself.
If confusion persists during your 4th of July celebration, please consult the chart below for further clarification and mental preparation:
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