Police Officer Shoots his Patrol Car & Then Himself in the Foot
A Millis, Massachusetts police officer single-handedly cemented America’s increasing distrust of law enforcement with one idiotic gun shot. The dispatcher turned officer in-training allegedly shot his own patrol car in his attempt to stage a crime, initially reporting that somebody had shot his vehicle causing it to crash into a tree and catch fire.
Upon further investigation that lasted a total of five minutes, Millis police Sgt. William Dwyer concluded that the “crime” was fabricated and that the officer had indeed shot his own patrol car in an attempt to compromise the integrity police officers everywhere. Dwyer cited common sense and not being a f*ck boy as evidence in the case against the officer.
The officer in question, whose name has not yet been released, now faces likely prosecution and a guaranteed lifetime of ridicule.
Will August Jobs Report make Janet Yellen & The Fed Use their Brains?
A largely uneventful August jobs report was released this morning, giving news outlets across the nation something to write about.
The report further affirms the slow climb towards economic stability that’s been evolving over the past few years, and raises questions over the impending interest rate raise. Highlights include a 0.3 percent increase in wages, lackluster but stable job gains (173,000 versus a predicted 220,000) and a record-setting unemployment rate at 5.1 percent.
Source: The New York Times
The monotonous report does give Fed chairwoman Janet Yellen something to wrangle with. After months of answering, “When are you going to raise interest rates?” with the standard, “It’s data-dependent. Leave me alone,” Yellen and squad may have to resort to critical thinking and analysis in lieu of any significant changes.
Kim Davis’ mug shot. Source: Business Insider
Kentucky County Clerk Refuses to “Taste the Rainbow,” Ends Up in Jail
Kentucky County clerk and anti-love and happiness crusader Kim Davis was taken into federal custody on Thursday for her defiant refusal to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, despite the historic SCOTUS ruling in favor of gay marriage.
According to CNN, the American Civil Liberties Union filed a motion to have Davis removed from her government post, as she “continues to collect compensation from the Commonwealth for duties she fails to perform.”
But don’t worry – Davis still has job security despite her stint in the slammer. Once the county clerk agrees to issue marriage licenses in an indiscriminate manner, she will be released, according to a report from Mic. Apparently, Davis is an “elected official,” which essentially means that she can set fire to her work place and still won’t face termination. K.
The unfolding story has spotlighted the intolerance and lack of empathy still alive and well in our nation, despite historic steps towards equality. Proponents of said intolerance are said to have an alarming amount of cats and/or striving for their own show on TLC.
