Martin Shkreli, Cat Person, Raises Price of Life-Saving Drug by 5,000 Percent
Martin Shkreli has made a strong push to enter the Guinness Book of World Records as “Biggest Douche On Earth” after brutishly price gouging desperately ill people.
The pharmaceutical CEO raised the price of a drug, largely used by AIDS and cancer patients, by 5,000 percent, all while lying through a snake-toothed grin that the price hike will benefit patients.
Shkreli’s ascent to the top of Douche Mountain has been meteoric. First investigated by the SEC at 19 years old while interning for CNBC finance analyst Jim Cramer, Shkreli also fought a $65 million lawsuit by his previous employer for allegedly misusing company funds.
For those looking for insight into the anatomy of a megalomaniacal narcissist, Shkreli’s OKCupid page has been webcached. He’s a cat person who listens to “avant garde” music. Obviously.
World’s Biggest Automaker Caught Cheating, “That’s Das Auto”
An investigation by the Environmental Protection Agency has revealed that German auto manufacturing giant Volkswagen installed software on its cars that allowed them to cheat emissions standard testing they would otherwise fail.
The EPA said that the software turned on full emissions controls while being tested, only to shut off and allow the car to emit pollutants up to 40 times the legal limit during actual use. Volkswagen shares have plunged around 30 percent over two days, just as the company had established itself ahead of Toyota as the largest car manufacturer in the world.
Hours after the company announced that it believes around 11 million of its cars around the world contain the software, CEO Martin Winterkorn released a video essentially begging for his job.
Scott Walker Drops Out of Race, Has Final Words for Donald Trump
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker closed down his presidential campaign on Monday evening and gave a parting shot at The Mighty Comb Over.
His decision to call it quits came a day after Cringe-worthy gaffes, two uninspiring debate performances and alleged disorder among his staff all undermined Walker’s once-promising bid for the Oval Office.
A notable theme from Walker’s speech was his thinly veiled criticism on current Republican frontrunner, Donald Trump, whom he seemed to accuse of turning the primary process into a media battle of personal attacks.
Trump responded to Walker’s announcement by saying, “ I look forward to Governor Walker supporting my campaign when I am the Republican nominee.”
