Congress Exceeds Expectations, Kicks Can Down Road
Our dear leaders in Congress did the unthinkable and avoided a government shutdown by passing a bill that funds the federal budget.
Before getting too excited at the possibility of Washington being a home to a functional political system, the bill merely extended funding through December 11. Presumably, we will once again be treated to an exercise in political gamesmanship that seriously impacts millions of Americans and exposes us as a divided tribe of mud-slinging cretins.
As a disincentive to this destructive tactic, some radical theorists have suggested that we stop paying the people who are actually behind these shutdowns. The suggestion has been met with widespread laughter and has been dismissed for being far too rational.
Hey! Sooo, We’re Cool…Right?
The Santee Sioux tribe of South Dakota will be opening the first marijuana “resort” in the continental United States on New Year’s Eve.
In the latest bid by the U.S. government to make up for killing millions of people, stealing their land and systematically working to extinguish their culture, the Justice Department now allows Native American tribes to grow and sell marijuana. Fair deal.
Described as an “adult playground” by the tribe’s leader, Anthony Reider, the resort will reportedly feature a lounge, TV’s, food, drink and maybe even a live music venue.
The tribe has excitedly claimed that 100 people have signaled their intent on coming to the opening. This is rumored to include Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush, who is looking for another chance to get back at his mom for not supporting his campaign.
You’re Put-In Me In A Tough Spot Here, Vlad
Russia’s totally-benevolent-and-in-no-way-desperately-cynical bombing campaign in Syria continues to heighten tensions with Western powers.
Despite American officials, Syrian opposition leaders and media outlets not controlled by the Kremlin all claiming that the strikes have exclusively hit non-ISIS rebels, Russia insists that it’s targeting ISIS forces. This became an even bigger problem Thursday, as Russian bombs reportedly struck CIA-supported groups that oppose Syrian leader and Russian ally Bashar Al-Assad.
Point being, the creepy kid with gross face whiskers and greasy hair suddenly becomes a lot more important when you’ve been kicked out of the cool kids’ table.
